The Gordon Model: Communicate Clearly and Respectfully

The Gordon Model, developed by psychologist Thomas Gordon, is a method for respectful communication and conflict resolution. It’s widely used in parenting, coaching, schools, and relationships. The idea is to identify who "owns the problem" and choose the right way to respond.

The Core Idea

The first step is to clarify who has the problem:

1. I don’t have a problem, but the other person does.

2. I have a problem because of someone’s behavior.

3. There’s no real problem, just a need to talk.

Depending on the situation, you use different tools.

Who owns the problem?

1. The other person has a problem:Example: Your child is upset about school. You’re not directly affected.

→ Use active listening. Listen carefully, reflect feelings, and help them find their own solution without taking over.

2. You have a problem:Example: Your partner leaves their stuff everywhere, and it bothers you.

→ Use I-messages. Explain how their behavior affects you, without blame: "I feel frustrated when things are left lying around."

3. No one really has a problem:Example: You’re planning the weekend with a friend. No conflict, just conversation.

→ No special technique needed. Just talk openly.

A simple everyday example

Your child comes home, drops their backpack, leaves shoes in the hallway, and goes to their room without saying hi.

• Does the child have a problem? They look upset. You can listen: "You seem really tired. Do you want to talk about it?"

• Do you have a problem? The mess bothers you. Use an I-message: "I almost trip over your things in the hallway."

• No problem? The child is cheerful and the hallway is tidy—just chat normally.

The Gordon Model helps you see who has the problem, so you know whether to listen, express your feelings, or just keep the conversation going. This makes resolving conflicts respectful and effective.

Common uses: Parenting, relationships, school, coaching, teamwork.